Why Understanding Your Emotional Patterns Matters More Than ‘Fixing’ Yourself
Do you ever find yourself in a situation where your emotional reaction feels bigger than the event itself? Perhaps a small criticism from your partner sends you into a tailspin of shame, or a minor work setback triggers a wave of overwhelming failure.
In these moments, our instinct is often to “fix” it. We tell ourselves to “stop overreacting,” “be more rational,” or “just let it go.” But what if this focus on fixing the symptom is missing the root of the issue? What if the key to lasting change isn’t silencing your emotions, but first learning to understand their unique language?
The Autopilot You Didn't Know You Had
Many of us walk through life on a kind of emotional autopilot. These are your emotional patterns: the predictable, often repetitive ways you feel and react in certain situations, especially those that feel stressful or vulnerable.
You might notice them as:
Consistently feeling "too much" or "too needy" in relationships.
A deep-seated fear of failure that holds you back from trying new things.
A tendency to expect things to go wrong, or that people will eventually let you down.
A pattern of putting others' needs first to the point of your own exhaustion.
It’s crucial to know this: these patterns are not character flaws. They are not evidence that you are "broken." More often than not, they are brilliant, adaptive survival strategies that you developed early in life to cope with your environment. They helped you navigate your world when you had fewer resources and options. The problem is, these old survival blueprints can keep running in the background long after they've outlived their usefulness.
A Map to Your Inner World: Introducing Schemas
One approach in psychology is schema therapy, we use the concept of schemas to describe these deep, enduring themes or patterns. Think of a schema as a deeply held belief or narrative about yourself and the world, forged through repeated experiences in childhood or adolescence.
For example, a child who grew up with critical parents might develop a Defectiveness Schema, carrying a core belief that they are flawed or unlovable. A child who experienced unpredictable care might develop an Abandonment Schema, living with the constant fear that those they love will leave them.
These schemas act like a filter—they shape how you see new situations, often leading you to interpret events in a way that confirms the old, painful belief. You’re not just "overreacting"; you are reacting to the present through the lens of a painful past.
The Power of Shifting from "Fix" to "Understand"
When you focus solely on “fixing” your reaction, you are essentially treating the smoke while ignoring the fire. The reaction is the smoke; the schema is the fire.
Shifting your focus to understanding changes everything. It moves you from a place of self-blame ("What's wrong with me?") to a place of self-compassion ("I see why I might feel this way").
This process of exploration allows you to:
Identify the Pattern: Name the old script. Is it a fear of abandonment? A feeling of not being good enough?
Trace its Origin: Without getting lost in the past, you can gently connect the dots to see where this pattern might have started. This isn't about blaming your past, but about freeing yourself from its unconscious hold.
Separate the Past from the Present: You can learn to recognise when an old schema has been triggered in a current situation. This moment of awareness is where your true power lies it’s the space where you can choose a different response.
Understanding your emotional patterns is an act of profound self-respect. It’s the process of getting to know the most fundamental parts of yourself, not to eradicate them, but to integrate them with compassion and wisdom.
If the idea of understanding your emotional patterns, rather than just fighting your symptoms, resonates with you, know that this is a journey you don't have to make alone. Therapy provides a supportive and confidential space to gently explore these deep-seated patterns, to understand their origins, and to develop new, more adaptive ways of being.
If you’d like to explore your emotional patterns in therapy, feel free to get in touch.
Disclaimer: This blog post is for general information and educational purposes only. It is not intended as psychological therapy or a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition.
